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How to have a truly happy new year.

For the first time in years, I don’t remember my New Year’s resolution from January. Usually, I write it down in my journal or on a note I stick to my mirror. There’s been many of those dog-eared sticky notes from years past. The year of contentment. Speaking life. We passed pancakes across the breakfast table on January 1st this year. “What do you want from 2018?” I can’t remember my answer. I know what I didn’t want though. I didn’t want to walk into her office and share the parts of my life I’m inclined to hide. I didn’t want to Facetime her the day after she delivered her baby that never breathed. I didn’t want to spend four months wondering how I’d walk into her house on Christmas day and see her empty chair. I didn’t want to go on another first date that led nowhere. We sit across from each other in a little coffee shop in Colorado, picking at a charcuterie board. “When I think about all of the things I have left to go through,” her voice cracks....

The Process of Pain

You sit there quietly while she tells you one more thing that is going to break your heart. You’ve always been able to superglue your emotions together so they don’t explode into a giant public mess. Now you’re in your room crying for no apparent reason; your world is flying to fragments. The reality of all that you have lost over the years is rising to the surface and the waters are murky with misgivings. There is no retrieving the past. Yet, you’re not sure that you want the future. So you’re stuck right here between doubt and fear, your heart empty. You can’t explain your grief. Words will only flatten your pain with their hollow sounds. You can’t tack a cliché onto your present life lesson because you can’t see the end of it and you can’t see the point. You’ve only got the facts. You remember them distantly.

God is…

But that’s enough to keep you hanging on.

“We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.” 2 Chronicles 20:12

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