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How to have a truly happy new year.

For the first time in years, I don’t remember my New Year’s resolution from January. Usually, I write it down in my journal or on a note I stick to my mirror. There’s been many of those dog-eared sticky notes from years past. The year of contentment. Speaking life. We passed pancakes across the breakfast table on January 1st this year. “What do you want from 2018?” I can’t remember my answer. I know what I didn’t want though. I didn’t want to walk into her office and share the parts of my life I’m inclined to hide. I didn’t want to Facetime her the day after she delivered her baby that never breathed. I didn’t want to spend four months wondering how I’d walk into her house on Christmas day and see her empty chair. I didn’t want to go on another first date that led nowhere. We sit across from each other in a little coffee shop in Colorado, picking at a charcuterie board. “When I think about all of the things I have left to go through,” her voice cracks....
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Confessions of a Desert Wanderer and the Search for Success

I stop my parent’s CRV in the middle of my favourite back road and step out onto the gravel. Through the frame of my IPhone, I try to capture the fading rainbow and the bushes ablaze. “It’s beautiful,” we murmur to each other.

But all I can think on a Tuesday night is that all the leaves are dying.

I sit in my hotel room, running through the day’s list of blessings. A job interview. A dinner date. A phone call.

I remember how we laugh over breakfast together, that I proved them all wrong, that I proved writers can get jobs.

The search for success has made me a desert wanderer. Every time I see the mirage, I think that it’s water. Success is empty; it leads me deeper into sand dunes.

Is this all there is?

I have so much, but I do not grasp anything I have.

On Wednesday night, I sit in my hotel room and press my temples. Extra-strength Tylenol. Water. I can’t get enough water.

And I realize how thirsty I have become. Because I’ve been searching for a mirage.

And I’ve neglected the Fountain. The Real Thing.

“Jesus answered and said to her, ‘Everyone who drinks of this water will thirst again; but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.’” John 4:13-14

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