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How to have a truly happy new year.

For the first time in years, I don’t remember my New Year’s resolution from January. Usually, I write it down in my journal or on a note I stick to my mirror. There’s been many of those dog-eared sticky notes from years past. The year of contentment. Speaking life. We passed pancakes across the breakfast table on January 1st this year. “What do you want from 2018?” I can’t remember my answer. I know what I didn’t want though. I didn’t want to walk into her office and share the parts of my life I’m inclined to hide. I didn’t want to Facetime her the day after she delivered her baby that never breathed. I didn’t want to spend four months wondering how I’d walk into her house on Christmas day and see her empty chair. I didn’t want to go on another first date that led nowhere. We sit across from each other in a little coffee shop in Colorado, picking at a charcuterie board. “When I think about all of the things I have left to go through,” her voice cracks....
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The Side Effects of "Me" Time

I flip my finger back and forth under the tap of the bathroom sink. The cool water is warming up slowly. I look at myself in the mirror; half of my face is covered by shadows. Saturday night moonlight. Squinting, I pretend my reflection is a stranger staring back. What would I think of her if it wasn’t me?
            
I skim through dialogue in my head from when I sat beside her a few hours before. I wonder if he cared that I stepped on his toes during the dance and whether he understood my lame joke. I question the sincerity of her compliment.
            
If any other human being thought about me as much as I think about myself, they would be labelled and put in a cage. The blog posts, self-help books, and therapists tell us to think of ourselves, take time for ourselves. I’m certain that is already my natural disposition.
            
I remember when I spent Thursday nights in a coffee shop with her, racking my brain for conversation topics. I remember when I made him lunch and he never said thank you. I remember long talks in a dark car, smiling and nodding and listening and never being heard.
            
I spend two hours with her. Then, I spend days wondering what she thought of me, whether she noticed my sacrifice, whether I’ll ever get a chance to tell her all about me. “Me” time is stumbling in the dark and not being able to see what He’s doing in front of us, behind us, and beside us. We expect to recharge our low battery by plugging into ourselves. They don’t tell you that the side effect of “me” time is exhaustion; the battery dies without a true power source.
            
I realize it as I fill my palm with water and splash it onto my face. My greatest selfless moments are the ones I forget or I see in hindsight. They are effortless with Jesus. I am wearing myself out wondering how I can raise my worth in the eyes of others and I am continually disappointed. Jesus is the One who is worthy of our thoughts.
            
I rub my face with the pink, fraying towel. I ask Him what He thought about my conversation with her. I thank Him for her compliment. Then, I peel my eyes off of my reflection and I pray for Them.
         
My life in the light of the cross. No one’s going to be distracted by me when I’m standing in the light of His glory, bright and blinding beauty blotting out my reflection in the mirror. It’s like a camera flash in the dark. 


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